I am continually asked why a lot of successful intelligent women are single. I asked Relationship therapist Kim Sarrasin her opinion on this troubling issue.
“There’s a large demographic of women living in Canada and the US who have spent the better part of their life getting educated and then focusing on their career. These women have become like men to make it in a man’s world and unfortunately, are still showing up like men on dates. They’ve adopted many masculine traits and lost touch with the feminine side of themselves – putting a serious dent in their love life. It’s fantastic that women have become independent, but very few know how to strike a balance between this independence and allowing a man take care of them. Men no longer feel useful around North American women and are starting to date women from more traditional cultures where women are strong, but also understand how to make a man feel like her hero. Men are starved to be around women who are receptive and appreciative of what he produces for them. Even though North American women can produce everything for themselves, the one thing they will never be able to produce for themselves is romance! The single most attractive thing to every man is a woman who makes him feel like she needs him. Period.”
Initially I thought wait a minute,why should we put all the emphasis on the women? If a man was confident and secure in himself this shouldn’t be an issue. To a degree, I still think this may be accurate and I did talk to a few men this morning about exactly this issue. The general consensus of those men was, “if a man was confident he shouldn’t feel threatened by a woman that may be as successful or intelligent as themselves or more so”. On the other hand some of my clients have told me that they don’t want to date women that they consider overachievers. When I questioned this they told me they don’t want to date a woman that is smarter than them. Which makes me wonder if they are secure in themselves or maybe Kim is right. Honestly, I would have to admit I have found it a problem a few times, but happily most of the men I have dated appreciated that I was intelligent and a girly girl. So maybe that really is the key or maybe I am not successful enough, yet! 
I agree that a woman still needs to maintain being feminine as Kim suggests, if they are looking to find a confident loving male partner. I have found that a lot of these women, particularily ones that I deal with are still very feminine. They have repeatedly said to me that they are looking for a strong confidant man that will challenge them as well. They are very clear that they do not want a man that they can step all over. So the last thing we want to do is emasculate them. Unfortunately a lot of men are painting all intelligent, successful women with the same brush. It is my belief that most generalizations are inaccurate.
Maybe Kim is right in that aspect, some women have evolved so well into the man’s role that they may have lost some of their feminine side. I do agree that men do like to feel like they are needed and valued, but so do women. I believe that all men and women want to feel that our partner or potential partner respects and appreciates us in and out of the bedroom. I also think that some men have lost confidence in themselves and this has in turn turned off a lot of women. So my general understanding at this point is that women even though you are intelligent, successful and business oriented we need to keep that feminine side of us, if we are interested in attracting the opposite sex. We also need to make sure and appreciate our potential partners for their intelligence and successes and allow them the opportunity to be the man that we say we want them to be. That being said it is also important for men to be responsible for themselves and recognize that being around this sort of woman is actually a great compliment (after all she picked you) and it should not make you feel insecure about yourself. I think we all need to be responsible for ourselves and more open minded about the opposite sex.
These are just my opinions but I would certainly be interested in your input. I would welcome your comments on this issue. Have you dated a woman that is more successful in business than you, what issues arose? Women have you struggled with these issues and how have you overcome them or have you?
Special thanks to Kim Sarrasin and the gentlemen that were kind enough to let me pick their brains.
**“Kim Sarrasin is a dating and relationship expert who has been featured on CBC TV, written numerous articles on dating and relationships and is a frequent guest on national radio. With the success of her popular Dating & Relating Weekend Workshops, TeleseminarsandCoaching Programs, Kim continues to develop new services and products to reach a wider audience. To receive her FREE audio series “The 5 Essential Steps For Dating Success, go to www.datingandrelating.ca”
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Damn, where are these women? Vancouver? Hook a brotha up! Where is this “large demographic”? This must be a myth…
Hi Phil,
It’s true,there are tons of Intelligent successful women in Vancouver. Where are you from? Sheree
Sheree, great blog entry!
The whole discussion drives me CRAZY! As a relationship counsellor, my personal and professional experience has demonstrated that it’s not about “intelligence,” “strength,” “success,” or “Masculine/Feminine”—I think that’s too simplistic and reductive and we are all WAY MORE INTERESTING AND COMPLEX THAN THAT!
I think the challenge is this: … Read More
Male or female, do we have the courage and confidence to BE and to ACCEPT ourselves? And are we willing to be MET by (and to MEET) someone at the level of our individual desires, need for connection, development (emotional, psychological, spiritual, physiological, etc), and passion? Are we willing to NOT CAPITULATE in order to alleviate someone else’s insecurities? To not DAMPEN or DUMB OURSELVES DOWN and to instead, risk REJECTION/ALONENESS–and be in all our BRILLIANCE, LUSCIOUSNESS & VITALITY–until someone is willing to meet us with their own BRILLIANCE, LUSCIOUSNESS, ETC!
And please, not all successful intelligent women have surrendered their femininity and become “more like men.” Nor have all men become insecure, emasculated bumblers as a result of women owning more of their talents! This perspective is so demeaning of men!
In my practice, every day, I see plenty of men craving intelligent, successful, passionate women in their lives and they certainly aren’t requiring a woman fawning all over them in order to feel more masculine. That, to me, is just pseudo-intimacy if we are following some formulaic step-by-step set of “rules.”
We all need to be appreciated, received, pursued and seduced!
Yes, I do get a bit fired up on this discussion! May we all be happy and free to be who we truly are!
Forget high IQ and success in the outside world, what’s really intimidating in a prospective life partner is a high EQ and strong sense of self. If your EQ is somewhere between Idiot and Imbecile dealing with a gender of emotional Einstein’s can be intimidating. Let’s hope we can at least match them on the less imortant stuff. Thank God hormones level the playing feild a little.
Men are starved to be around women who are receptive and appreciative of what he produces for them. Even though North American women can produce everything for themselves, the one thing they will never be able to produce for themselves is romance!
Never say never, there a lot of Vancouver women who are intelligent successful and extremely feminine and do know how to create romance. I know this because I am one of them and I have some amazing clients and ex- clients ( that I have already matched) that are also.
Generalizations are always inaccurate and very negative. But if you honestly believe that, it is exactly what you will attract. Ever read the “Power of positive thinking” or “The Secret”? Don’t give up on these women they bring a lot to the table.
I know they’re out there…somewhere…women who like to be appreciated, received, pursued and seduced. The question is at what price point?
I was at a conference in Anaheim recently and met a woman who was beautiful, smart, self-made and very successful. We hit it off on the trade show floor. It was interesting because we stood there talking like we were in the Get Smart cone of silence for about an hour. We eventually agreed we both had work to do at the show but still wanted to talk more and given our show schedules the only time we could get together was the next morning at breakfast so we arranged to meet the next morning. Later that day I was walking past her booth with a good friend. I had told him about this amazing woman that I had met. That she was “one in a million” and seemed to be the “complete package” from what I had learned about her in the short time we spoke. She happened to be at the booth and I introduced them. As we were walking away my friend said to me…man I wouldn’t go near her for anything. I asked him why. He said she is obviously very high maintenance and she is so good looking that everywhere she went guys would be hitting on her and it would be nothing but an ongoing competition until some guy who was better looking and had more money than me would get the spoils. I hadn’t thought about that way but then again I take people on their own merit.
I have been asking my male friends about this blog post and the common response is women like the aforementioned in the blog have expectations that are too high. They want men who are as, or more successful than they are.
So I think the question is “what do women really want?” When you think about it very successful men are very competitive, type A personalities…probably spend 60 hours a week or more to maintain their success (unless they come from a family with money) or competitive edge in their company or vertical, have a very cute receptionist…etc… A lot of successful men have narcissistic qualities that are destructive and hurtful in relationships and I think it works both ways.
I think Diane is right. Until we are able to walk into a relationship and be who we are and appreciate a partner for who they really are we are going to rely on the superficial qualities to make our choices…and we all know where that leads to…
I think we have to redefine successful. I sense we are using the term in this post in regards to money. I personally would prefer to use the term successful to mean you have found your life’s work, you are happy, emotionally mature, appreciate every day, love your family and friends, donate time to a charitable cause and you know it doesn’t end there. You are constantly learning and challenging yourself and most of all…growing. I want to be in a relationship with someone like that. Someone who understands intimacy is earned not a right. That the relationship is a labor of love and that it is a living, breathing entity that needs nurturing. I know you’re out there…call me…I’ll even accept a collect call…
Regarding what women want…well it depends. I do think the Vancouver dating scene is made more undesirable to quality women by the large number of men taking advice from “dating coaches” of questionable merit. I had to really search for this site, but the folks with their junior high style advice are EVERYWHERE online.
http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Women-Find-Attractive-in-Men&id=2318633
How does one “create romance” ? Is romance not a feeling derived from being with’the one’? I know when I set my eyes on a certain woman, I had that feeling. That feeling that even if she doesn’t feel the same as I do, at least I was able to have that feeling. I want to dance on the moon with her! I want to show her off to the world! Those are the moments when you know there’s a God watching over you and he heard your plea in the night. That to me is romance. How do you create it?
I judge success on a different scale. I judge success on happiness. I’m really not concerned with what somebody does professionally. I don’t care if they have 50 letters after their name, or none at all. I don’t care if someone runs a company or is a sandwich artist. All I care about is if they are happy with who they are and what they do.
Would I date a woman who is more successful/intelligent/higher earning? In a heartbeat! More intelligent? Wonderful – our children would be smart and independent thinkers. More successful? Wonderful – maybe I’d be the one who got to stay home and raise them. Higher earning? Wonderful – we’d be able to pay to educate our smart children.
If ego is the reason one wants someone subserviant, perhaps what they are really looking for is a dog, not a woman.
Just want happy relationship with an intelligent yet humble lady
John