Are you someone who always seems to end up with a partner in need of rescuing? If so, you may be a White Knight (not always a good thing) , according to a recently published book, The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others. Recently on the Relationship Show www.relationshipshow.com,
John Barson and I had a discussion with the authors, psychologists Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger, and learned more about this unhealthy relationship pattern.
The authors describe how men and women who become white knights adapted to various childhood experiences and circumstances that left them feeling frightened, guilty, or shamed. Such childhood experiences can later, in adulthood, lead someone to become especially fearful of loosing a partner’s love or approval, as well as being afraid of separation or abandonment. To handle this fear, white knights seek out partners in need of rescue, hoping that by being the rescuer, they will finally obtain the sense of security, love, and healthy self-esteem missing from their childhoods. Sadly, the white knight’s choice of a partner, and how that partner is eventually treated, often creates the very situation the white knight was trying to avoid—an unhappy, unstable relationship, and feelings of failure, guilt, and shame.
White knights are often frightened people whose self-esteem is contingent on another’s weakness rather than on a secure and healthy sense of self. Consequently, they maintain or restore connection with their partners by being extremely helpful or good. Some white knights try to control their partners’ behavior and emotions, often under the guise of helping. And they respond ambivalently to, or want to take credit for, a partner’s success, fearing that a successful or strong partner would no longer need them.
Not all rescuers are the same. Drs. Lamia and Krieger delineate four subtypes of rescuers—three subtypes of “white knights”— the overly empathic white knight, the tarnished white knight, and the terrorizing/terrified white knight, and a fourth and healthy subtype, the balanced rescuer. In contrast to the white knight subtypes, the balanced rescuer has a healthy sense of self. The balanced rescuer helps out of a genuine desire to make a partner’s life better, rather than out of a need for security, control, or admiration. Unlike the white knight, the balanced rescuer wants and finds a healthy, responsible, and caring partner, and creates a relationship based on mutual respect and reciprocity.
The white knight syndrome results from an individual’s efforts to repair his or her own damaged sense of self by rescuing a partner who
ostensibly will, in turn, provide nurturing, adoration, or love. However, the white knights’ behavior in their relationships not only leads them to fail, it repeats that damage.
Drs. Lamia and Krieger identify and explore this common relationship pattern and guide white knights towards building the skills they need to develop more balanced relationships. The authors hope their book, The White Knight Syndrome, will help people who have made an occupation of trying to “save” their partners, finally come to their own rescue. For more information, see their website: www.WhiteKnightSyndrome.com
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